Sad and depressed...

What the bloooodeee hell is happening to you woman??? Crazy is it??? I don't like what's going on... I hate what's going on... I want this to end... Enough... I say... ENOUGH!!!

No... this is not from any play that I know... It's my LIFE.

And this is what I tell myself EVERY SINGLE DAY... I can't say this in front of friends or colleagues or... whoever... why? because I'm a Christian... I'm supposed to believe that God is the ONE who will bring salvation and that HE knows when the best time is for anyone and everything that happens... I can't help it can I? Emotions are mine... what the hell can I do?? Ignore them??

I don't like this... I don't like this... I want this to END!!!

Always happens at this time of the night... WHY? because? I'm hardly feeling any serenity within myself... let alone any type of peace we should be feeling... like at peace with the world or watever crap...

YET... Do I really want this to end?! Why go pick up pieces when I've been wanting to leave them there? Forever...

I hate myself.

What a day...

Been deciding for ages whether to turn up for school today. The bad throat I had when I got up early this morning told me to stay at home... don't think it helps... cuz the minute i open my mouth to talk now... I'll still cough... darn the dry throat... water doesn't help, medicine doesn't help... argh!

Accomplishment: Finished my EOY P2 setting!!! Finally... after like ONE wk's torture! Was carrying 2 / 3 passages around... finally settled with a passage I didn't even look at the past week... sheesh... Anyways, it's done it's done!!!

It's quite irritating when I get flu llike this... sleep and sleep... worse than baby... at least I managed to finish some work. Had to complete shading 100++ cute little bubbles... (ok not tht cute... WTH) for the school climate survey... eeek! can't stand it when qsns are so direct... and yet so dependent on so many other factors and variables... how does one answer agree or disagree? hate dumb things like this...

Just a simple thing to place here today... a friend ran it through me the other day... as we get older, we'll feel the year has gotten shorter - this is all a case of relativity because when we're 5, the 5th year is 1/5 of our whole life... however, when we're 20, our 20th year is 1/20 of our whole life on earth... makes sense?

I'm sick
I'm tired
When will this ever end
I ask myself
I can't answer
Don't think I'll ever find one
Don't think I wanna know the answer

Cough Cough... drip drip... bleh...

Again slept so darn early... hey... it's not that I don't wanna take MC... it's just that I'll need to make up my music tests... if I miss these few days... (which I'll have to for sure now because I'm on 2 days MC... thanks to the 4 pple - Des, Val, CY and Chok... who told me to take MC... really really take liao) Alamak... how to do all the tests during exam week... sigh...

Btw, CY and Chok: Thanx for the well- wishes... Chenyee: Ur sore eyes better already?

I had a dream... a song to... blehX Had a nightmare last night... (Muz be the early and Long night) apparently 2 friends who're not exactly on good terms, M and C, had gotten engaged and married over a short span of 1 year... OUCH! It seemed SOOOO real... I wonder what that means... oh well, in real life M is a good friend (someone whom i had a crush on sometime back, but no longer)... C is also another friend whom M can't really stand... ermmm... nvm about the details... D and J were also in the dream... I have no idea why... there's no link... Next thing I remember is that we were all on this cruise-ride to the wedding of M and C... hmmm... another dream that probably shows my insecurities... a whole lot... any interpreter of dreams reading this??? Can tell me what all these means?

The Vietnam group is mtg up... finally... after so many mails bouncing around... they decided on having the gathering on 22 Oct... wunnerful... I can't make it... it's C-ASH's wedding. Oh nvm, I guess I was never meant to meet up with them... should I even bother informing them about not being able to make it? Nah... I'll do my elusive thingy again... after all, it ties in well with my plans... plans of what...? plans of holding on to my promise to myself... As promised I'll disappear... though I fell again just yesterday... fell so bad... feel real bad about that... but WTH... I'm human...

Sick... Sick... Sick...

It's one of those irritating symptoms... I hate it... I know it when I'm gonna fall ill... Slept early again last night... decided not to fight against the headache monster... OUCH! Just wish I didn't have so much to mark and do... Throat hurts... those dehydration thingy... and my nose has been running around since yesterday morning...
Wonder if I'll be sick enough to take MC tmr... there again, I don't really wanna take MC on Wed... really not worth it... but feeling so darn weak... dun even know if I can do my usual walk home later... sigh...

@ least the classes today are the not so scream like mad ones... that's a positive look at the day... can't wait for the end of the day to dash home and sleep... I can't sleep more than 7 hours at night apparently because if I sleep at 10, I'll be up by 5 am in the morning... that's Math for you... (and that has happened the past few times I decided to sleep early... my early is before 12 mn... so...

A not-so-new perspective

Did actually head to church yesterday morning, sang for choir and then for lunch with Terence, Kat and Norman... Every other week got new pple walk in whom I dunno about... only to find out much later that they were the 'oldies'... gah... Headed to Westmall for a little shop shop... before band prac... Joel was there today, he brought his oboe... YC turned up after Kevin turned up... Yeah!!! Kevin turned up... I dun need to play 1st flute liao... He MIA so looong... I thought he not coming because of teow... internal joke...

Saw a body of a lady... she jumped... apparently... brings all my thoughts back to perspective... raised even more questions... about life...so many pple are fighting to live... and you chose to leave?

Joined Ruiting and Elaine for dinner... at the coffeeshop beside Westmall... The rest of theWW gang headed to Suntec, Sizzler's apparently... not interested... buffet... again...?!?! eeeee...

Have no idea why, but was real tired... so me, Yuna... went to Zanarkand early to meet my Tidus...

Classes today were alright... didn't have much break in-btwn... managed to grade everyone in ALL my music classes for the day... I guess, playing in a group concept, they feel less intimidated... I shall try this method of assessment in future... (All I did was to make them play the same thing over and over and over again until I graded them all... After all, with keyboards, it's very obvious whether they're playing the correct notes...)

Yet... Even More depression... of sorts...

Friday was a pretty hectic day... for the morning at least... running here and there from class to class... So far the best day of the week (because the weekend's in 12 hours???) in terms of teaching classes... have no idea why, but all of a sudden the 3 Ts are beginning to behave themselves a bit more... and the other music classes, are sooo angelic... if only everyday felt like this.

Finally finished my budgets for 2006 and sent them to my A/cs person and managed to leave school by 3... what a nice change. I shall attempt to leave school by 3 everyday next week... I've already paid more than my dues... no need to stay in school any longer than required esp. during this period...

Supper was at Al-Ameen as usual... food quality seems to be dropping... oh no... Or are we too used to Coffee Club / Phin's at Cineleisure...? Some silly jokes came up over the supper and the drive back... Shall not leak out too much on them...

After heading to Six Ave, 'ta paoed' some pumpkin cake thing home... (finally found it on my way out earlier...! so headed back to that place to buy... I'd been trying to find the stall that sell the wonderful kueh kueh thing for ages!) Had to teach piano at 2plus today... pupil couldn't get up in time for morning lesson... Headed to church after that to play... finally I'm getting the hang of playing the 'Gloria' and 'Holy, holy'... prob should still go for choir later...

Got a surprise msg from Alvin... we arranged to have dinner... been a really looong time since we met... went to this 'whatever' place in Chiatown for dinner... it's a pretty cool vegetarian place... with organic rice and stuff... It was pretty fun... good time catching up and all... (the last time we met and talked was like erm... my granny's funeral last year...) took a nice walk through Chinatown and saw some mid autumn fest street deco... this was a good meet-up... this is one guy I can really talk to... about anything... friends for almost 9 years?

An accomplishment: Clocked at least 90 mins of walking time today.

Still I await... I'm supposed to trust myself...
Trust myself to do what my heart wants... or
Trust myself to do what my ego says...
My ego's really hurt...
hurt BAD... hurt REAL DEEP...
only you can repair the hurt...
Will you or are you WILLing to?

Life? that's life... THAT'S LiFE?

Yesterday was one of those times I thought about what life is all about... again...?!?! Sigh... Rushed off after school to head to CCAB for some Essential Elements thingy... that book's good... prob consider buying it...
Was glad to step out of school and leave behind the sucky classes of the day... only 4 periods... but enough to kill... Basically can't teach these classes... One sec 4 NT and the other a sec 1 exp! My 2 NT is so much more well-behaved than that sec 1 Exp class in qsn... sheesh!

I'm beginning to do my disappearing act again... this feels like deja-vu... I have no idea whether it's because it's instinct, accurate prediction or just being tired out... My definition of 'disappearing act' - to stop calling or msging certain pple from a certain particular group... I always have this sudden urge/want/need to suddenly stay away frm pple...n this comes in time too because within the month or months tht com along, we start drifting apart... and the friendship dissolves into acquaintance n into...???? nothing...

Depression...

Is this an emotional situation or a physical situation? Has it to do with the mind or the heart? I digress...


Can't take it liao...

I hate myself... find that weird? too bad... I'm like that... I feel like ending this misery...
There's so much to say... I can't say it... because I'll be recording even more misery... for wat? who in the almighty universe wants misery to be remembered?
Heading for a roller-coaster ride might just about do the trick... if my head manages to fall off or my heart manages to fall out of my mouth...
Times like that I wished I could drive (which I'll never be able to...) then I'll grab the car and go for a SPIN... prob to Pasir Ris or smethin... and come back in the wee hours of the mornin.

How do people make promises they don't keep?
Negligence or simply ignored...
Forgotten or simply not registered...

Death: the beginning of an end...?

Was so tired that I slept immediately upon reaching home yesterday... got a good almost 2 hrs nap before getting up and heading for a piano lesson. Ignored 2 phone msgs along the way. When I finally got up and read them - One of the msgs was from Colin, a fellow musician and horn player, informing that Dr Alfred Reed has passed on... 17th Sept. This generation has seen so many great people live and pass on... it has also seen so much catastrophe and tragedies... is it because the previous ones weren't so much recorded or because we're really 'killing' our kind and our Earth...? I'm no Historian or Geographian... but still can't help wondering, can I... we're always supposed to look at things from different perspectives... there're so many that I'll probably end up with a library full of writings before even getting near any answer... only to open another huge can of worms... I digress...

Dr Alfred Reed had made a name for himself in the windband scene... having written so many works for band... any band member would know or have played at least a piece of music by him... and to think, I saw him a couple of years ago, in 2003... in Chicago during the Midwest Clinic... He was so approachable and friendly... no 'air' of any sort to indicate that he was a cut above the rest... In just this year alone, I've played 3 of his arr/composition this year alone...! That pic I took with him in 2003 is gonna be so valuable...

Tired… Sleepy… everything…

I don't know if it's the effect of the late Sat night, or yesterday's heat… I'm sooooo tired! Thank God for the 1st 2 free periods this morning… I could at least rest my eyes and not think about things… Didn't exactly fall asleep though.

The performance late yesterday afternoon was pretty well-received. That morning, Alvin msged me about some party of his which I decided not to attend, since I hardly knew any of his other friends… I didn't feel like socialising… neither did I actually want to be in the company of the people I actually went to dinner with, but since the alternative was to go for Alvin's party or to go home, I decided to head to Suntec with the usual 2 guys and a handful of others… (it's the others I don't really like to mix around with…) not gonna state any reasons here… just not my kind of company that's all…

Do I really enjoy going through the motion of teaching? esp, music...? when these pupils don't appreciate anything beyond their 'narrow-minded view' of what they think music is... exposure to any other types of music beyond their expectations and view is considered 'lame' and 'boring' to quote most responses from them. Wow... this is what I have to face as a music educator?... that I have to face their 'insulting remarks' and 'incredulous thoughts' about music that I try to introduce to them - for exposure, knowledge, whatever... gosh... I'm beginning to hate this professio because of this... sigh sigh sigh!

Tired...

Was in Coffee Bean for a couple of hours yesterday trying to 1) finish some marking 2) find a compre passage for the EOY Exam. Did like maybe 5% of what I actually wanted... sigh. Headed down to my prodigy's place to teach, then headed down to church. Msged the usu pple to ask if they wanted to join me at coffee bean, none of them could make it... so I was 'On My Own'...

Anyways, Ben asked where I was only at 4plus... when I was in church. After several msgs, we decided to just hang at my place to mark yesterday night (because HE needed to watch TV?!?!... ya... Condor Heroes with the soundtrack played by an Orchestra) Did manage to clear some work... and it's great to have a friend around... after all... quote from phoebe from 'friends', "Misery Loves Company"... made things more 'tahan-able'

It's a real nothing day today... Have band performance later at Woodlands... have to leave home by 11 later... and be at NIE by 1330 hrs... I muz rem to top up my Ezlink later...

Some things to clear from the day before...
1) the trombone person who spoke to me at the end of the prac on fri... is an NJ Alumnus... We all met at VCH during the NJ Alumni Band Concert... and talked about the schools we were in... so he's not from church... (I thought I was getting senile... can't remember pple I just spoke to a week ago...!?!?0)
2) I've cleared things with my mum... she finally knows... (Would it have made a difference if she still didn't know? Cold War can't last that long... not in my home anyways...)

Have to run... gotta pack, shower and get out of home in 15!

I've made promises to myself...
I WILL keep them...
I might succeed...
I WILL succeed...
I shall PLAY not...
I shall WAIT not...
It's been too long...

Confusiomania

The other supposedly 'badly behaved' class was so well-behaved yesterday... I even enjoyed teaching that lesson... ganbattedesu!

The last band prac of the term went fine... actually managed to cover the beginning 50 bars of Lion King Soundtrack. good enough... I guess...? Kinda bumped into the choir instructor in the office while she was signing out so stood awhile to speak to her. Spoke to her about choir and band combine... I've gotta remember to zap the Hidamari no Uta piano score for her.

Headed for NIE after school, but not before popping by JP to grab my caesar salad from Coffee Bean... and not before something else... A small encounter... kinda bumped into a familiar looking person while I was getting the bus at Boon Lay interchange... ok here's the thing... I'm just wondering... really hard... who is this person? We gave each other acknowledging smiles... even! Ok... some perspective here... it's a familiar face in an unfamiliar situation and dressing... I thought at first he was some ex-pupil clad in a ACJC shirt... then I thought, no, it can't be... very few of my pupils went there... I know them... then I thought, maybe church, NJC Band (When I played for their Alumni Band I kinda got to know a few of the kids) but, erm, ACJC shirt? oh... nvm...

Encounter #2: after band prac, this trombonist came up to me and asked, "So how's my tuition kid, Logan, doing in school?" I was like, 'huh? when on earth did i talk to this guy? then i thought hey... he looks familiar...where on earth did we speak last time? The only people that have recently asked me about my profession and school are like a 'hand-ful'... tick tick tick... memory jog... - Church?? Oh my... is he the bass guitarist from my choir? (this I just kinda jogged the memory this mornin at the breakfast table) I thought he looked really familiar when I turned around and spoke to Soon2, qiyu, kwong fu and david at different times of the prac... hmm... I'm confused... really confused... since when did Fabian play the trombone...? aiyah... I guess small world? Again, familiar face in an unfamiliar situation... hmm... I think I'll find out only next week or after... let's see...

Need to leave home liao! arghz...

Back to the usual regime...

Sigh... I alwayz dread seeing this class... Is my opininon of them starting to rub off on them or is it just a case of they are ALWAYz like that? At least I managed to get about half the class to listen. If only there was a main control where I can control the power and volume of each and every single keyboard in the room... (any 'scientist' or 'electrician' out there who's capable of doing this???) My form class... they're getting a bit better... I think they need a warm up time to school after their break... oh well... who doesn't?

Was dead tired when I finally reached home yesterday... didn't even bother to bring my laptop home from school... Took 13 pupils for oral yesterday afternoon... when I finally finished, it was after 4... Saw that Huizhen was still i staff room so we went to the supermart to do 'snack' shopping'... most of it's Crystal's anyways, I wanted to look for my granola bars which apparently were cheaper there... but to no avail... Where ARE ALL THE GRANOLA BARS???? ARGH!!! Sobz... Resorted to heading to 6th Avenue's Cold Storage @ Guthrie House to buy them... YUMMY!!!

This was the 2nd night in a row I was in bed by 11, though, I'm not too sure wat time I really fell asleep... My eyes felt so tired I decided not to fight the Zzzz monster, only to realize that I was awake for another 30 mins after I touched the bed... oh sigh...

Bumming... bumming...or so it seems

In about 2 days... the weekend! Yeah...! Managed to take 12 kids for oral yesterday... had only a few lessons for the day... but when I finally went home again at about 8, I was so absolutely bummed out! I just sat, read the TIME mags and was soon fast asleep by 10.30...

This week it may seem to several pple tht I'm super bumming around in the staff room... actually, thank God for the relief... otherwise, how to get through the rest of the day... esp, with oral or band in the afternoon... another 14 pple today... I feel tired already, thinking of the next few hours ahead of me...

Short entry here.... a lot to do!

Mid-week Crisis... or not...

Had a first period with a sec 4 normal technical class... these people soooo can't follow instructions! Finger positions had to be taught like 3 times... after that still got fellas ask me, 'where is ... note huh?'... wah! felt like slapping those fellas!

To my great surprise and relief... I do not have any relief class today... which means I've about 3 hrs to do what I need to do... yeah! Today's the lightest day... even if the relief were to be added in... I'm so savouring this time.

My mum still angry with me... Have to msg her to apologize... I know she got reason to be angry/sad/whatever... but this time she really has to trust my decision and judgement... (for those of you who are wondering if it has to do with eloping/getting a tattoo/getting married/or even plastic surgery... think again... do i ever do such drastic things?) I usually say things... I don't really 'act' on them... (oh no..... I'm beginning to sound like someone I really hate.... I hate myself...??? EGADS!)

I always say I don't care.... if.... if... if.... (whatever thing happens), but seriously, deep down (or rather, not so deep down), I already know it's otherwise... whether it's work or personal stuff... it's the same... I react the same way... pple who really knoe me know that I'm like that...

?!? What's happening?!?

Finally did what I've been toying around with for a long time... Let's see how it works...
Fell out with my mum because of the little issue that she still simply can't trust me... Pls... I'm so old liao...would I do anything dumb? - there again, sometimes I still might - but definitely not to its extremes...!

There was CPA inv today... got a whole day of school off for that... (didn't step into class at all today) to pay back, tmr I gotta stay in school till 1700 hrs to clear my oral... I hope I don't fall asleep... maybe coffee might help... (Oh no... black coffee doesn't suit my tastebuds... oh nvm...)

In the midst of attempting to write 'tong hua'... still trying to figure out how to make it not too bandish... the type of arr used for 'hidamari no uta' is nice, however, my trumpets are always so so neglected... not as if they can play well... but I can't write smethin in which they play little... hv to really figure that one out. Another thing about this piece of music, using brasses don't seem to fit the style of the piece... but... arranger for 'When you believe' uses a full wind ensemble for its band and choir arrangement... and sounds simply lovely... I guess it's arrangement skill... sigh... hope it doesn't turn out to be a disaster, o/w it'd be many hours gone to waste...

Monday Blues...

Is it just me... my class... or Monday?!?! Was in my form class for an hour this morning... Could hardly get anything done... so MANY either didn't hand-in their work or didn't do or didn't bring... so sickening! The good times are over... the well-behaved times are over... thank goodness it's the last couple of months and soon I'll be rid of them... (tht's mean, I know... but I can't help it... I think 2 years is the max. any class can have the same form teacher...) I get so tired of reminding the same pupils again and again and again to do their work, hand-in their work, cut their hair, tuck in their shirts... it's become so routine... and so sian...

The other lessons went reasonably well... 'reasonably'... not wonderful or anything... I think I'm losing patience (and I acknowledge that I am losing it! as opposed to a certain character who claims she has wonderful patience but doesn't show any bit of it... instead she goes around hollering at every single person in the way once things go wrong)

It's only slightly after 2, and I'm feeling so tired... oh yes, I think I'll enjoy the bus-trip down to bukit timah... take a nice nap... wonder what will happen later... would I really go for it... or would I chicken out... since a lot of money is involved... I feel like I've been awake for ages... slept for about 3 hours or so last night... was up marking and chatting with a friend via MSN... unfortunately friend went off for supper... (get this...! at 2 am in the morning...!) and appear back on MSN as promised... see... promise... broken...

10 more hours till the end of Monday... will I survive, will I survive...?

Eeeeeky mood... bleh-o-mania...

This is frustrating... I planned to do so much over the holidays... I hardly completed anything!!! Bell rings in 8 hours... Again... escapism...

Still remember that over dinner with Min, Soh Hong and Ber (on mon) tht I really really want to write a band (+choir) arrangement of guang liang's 'tong hua'... haven't done a thing about it yet! bleh... as long as it's in time for nxt year's lunch time concert... hmm... anyone wanna commission me for this one?

Really wanted to get up nice and early to do marking and then catch the 8am Japan Hour... unfortunately, sleep got the better of me... and well, I got up only after 8... finished Japan hour and headed out to church for choir prac and Mass... Still finding it real cool and exciting to sing in parts in a church situation...(can at least make full use of my sight-reading/singing skills and further improve on it!!!) headed for lunch there after with Cheryl, Fabian, Fabian, Terence, Kat and Jess (still dun really wanna associate myself with her, oops)... (it was on the way out of church tht Fabian and I found out smethin in common with our childhood... we're the times of JMC, JPC and wat nots at Yamaha... with our cutie rhythmica, triangle, bell and magnetic notes set!... those were the times... haha) Anyways, wanted to do smethin really drastic today, after the loooong lunch... however, I didn't manage to do so... due to circumstances... it's not meant to be? hmmm...

am so bummed out... again, it's the stage in which everything is hanging, hanging, hanging... no sign of resolution anywhere... anytime... I wanna head back to last Tues 1500 hrs to Wed 2300 hrs... tht was when I really enjoyed myself... most of the day at least... Can time not stand still...? To allow me to savour whatever time and company I really enjoy?

Promises are made... to be kept, right?
Not to be broken... otherwise, promise for what?

Argh... 24 hrs to 12 Sept... 30 hrs to 'bell ring...'

Somehow, the hols has been so packed with activity I've hardly had much time to breathe... Literally every night was spent out... it wasn't even meant to be like that in the first place... cuz I never actually planned it...

Some perspective here... Mon's night activity wasn't planned till erm... Sunday... Tues' night activity wasn't planned till late mon night, cfmed on Tues aft... Wed's activity was the only one that was planned and had gone almost according to plan... (There was a 2 week's notice on this one...) Thurs... well it was planned on Tues i think... only cfmed my presence on the night itself... Fri was yet another adhoc thing... Band prac was definitely not adhoc of course... and here I am, thinking and pondering over what happened to the holidays... hmmm...

Was supposed to have met up with my God son's family on Fri for lunch... unfortunately couldn't as I had already made plans with the 'bride-to be' to practice...then early this morning I thought could meet up with the family... but Godson's got a cold... argh... then headed to prodigy's home for piano lesson... Change day liao! no longer Mon night...! Then came home to do a little work and zonked till it was time to get up shower and head for Ww prac...was a pretty good prac... both YC and J came down for prac... goodness... here're another 2 aunties... to replace the 2 that have left... not fair...! today's 1st flute parts easier than those I was dumped with 2 and 3 weeks ago! the solos were more manageable... hee hee... YC got to play most of them. The gang went 2 ways... half to the coffee shop... half to Mac's... Ever since BB Mac went 24 hours, we've had problems trying to get spaces for the load of us... (In my opinion, tht's good cuz eating Mac's in the day is already sinful enough... Mac's at night... even WORSE!)

Nothing much to do later... except to attend Mass and try to complete the load of marking i brought home... since beginning of the hols...! eeeek!

Eat, eat and eat...

Thursday was a busy day... Had band prac (as usual) and then headed home for a short nap and teach piano. Band prac was pretty good... had the kids sight-read a couple of pieces... I have to give them the benefit of the doubt... that they are sight-reading now... and some of them even enjoy it! It's a wonderful skill to pick up... and a number of them are picking it up well... HAD a disgustingly SINFUL lunch and I muz say that I didn't really enjoy it... (McDonalds) eeeew!

At the end of the day headed to CCK KBox for like 5 solid hours of Karaoke! Finally reached home at 4 am in the morning...

Was supposed to be at Holland Village at 11 this morning... unfortunately, I woke only at 1105 hrs... rushed like mad... felt a headache coming, but fought it... Came home for the wedding song discussion and practice (I'm playing, I'm not getting married...!) Headed out for dinner with a few Loveworkers and Tommy and Serena and Ezra... Family of missionaries... then went for the usual NIE Band prac... The prac was so so... just felt the pieces we had to play for nxt week's perf at woodlands was a tad too difficult... I wonder why these pieces and arrangements were chosen in the first place... oh well...

Supper was, as usual, full of CRAP... but it provides some relieve and tension release after a week's 'holiday' (fake hols, more like) and for the anticipation of the up-coming short yet busy term...

School Holidays... what holidays?????

It's the end of the 3rd day of the sept hols... what have I done?... NOTHING! Sometimes I wonder why these are called school holidays... sheesh...

Headed to school early to type out some time-tabling stuff for the day... then it was run here, run there, pick up phone call, answering qsns, giving instructions. It so happens tht my band was to host another band for a short exchange prog today...nevermind about the playing standard of both bands...

A phone call came in for me early this morning while i was settling my time-tabling... it was from SEAB... this person asked if I was interested to be Subject Sup for ONE candidate at some 'ulu' school... I was like... huh?!?!?! anyways, also settled whether I was to head out for the Practical Paper... it turns out the answer was 'yes'... OMG...wonder what my P would say about this... So anyway, I actually found out who my partner was... and I didn't like the answer! I really don't know how I'm going to survive the 2 days of examining with her! Sian...!

Then it was off to do exchange and warm-up and so on... Seriously couldn't quite make out what to emphasize on becoz everything's so important! Turned out ok to me... Dunno if the kids actually learnt or pick up much skills/ideas... it's over anyway... I thought my kids did alright... performing a piece they've played and prac 3 times and putting it up for a 'performance'... The day ended pretty quickly...

Then I headed down to a friend's place... but not before grabbing 20 pieces of yummy mackerel otah from Clementi market... Tommy, Serena and Ezra are in Singapore for 8 days...Sponsored hotel stay by Hilton's very own boss! Well, they're missionaries... and were our hosts back in Cambodia... Checked with them if they were going to be @ home in Dec... it turns out they were willing to accomodate me for the couple of days I'll be stopping over... Yay! saves my hotel charges and any security problems I may encounter during the stay!

Another Band day tmr! I just hope I can finish wat I plan to do...

I've a strong feeling I missed out a lot of info here... I wonder why... hmm... senile oready? hmmmm...

Congee-fied Brain... cell-less

The morning started off with 2 listening papers... egads... hate it when there's like 30 mins to sit and bum and do nothing while waiting and listening to 'silly' music played on air before the broadcast... The first part was finally over @ 11.10 or so... managed to put in some time to copy scores for next 2 band pracs... then a few of us headed out for lunch... I had my heavy breakfast in school, so had 'dou hua'... Nice nice!!! muz eat there again... had about 1 hr's worth of giving out papers and invigilation before i had early departure from all the exam thingys...

Headed to my prodigy's place directly frm school... (I really enjoy all those walks from NP!) it would really be a DISGRACE to her talent if she doesn't continue... anyways, settled some things with her and her mum... hope all goes well...

Got home for a shower before heading out again... thought I was late to mt Chok Sin... haha... but he later than me... what's new??? Supposed to mt @ Dhoby Ghaut... I kinda assumed tht dinner would be nearby so I headed to Plaza Sing to buy Joel's electric guitar string, pick up my chromatic fantasia (Bach) and Rhythmatic cards (this was an unplanned thing... figured it'll be good resource for music and Band)... then headed down to the Taxi Stand (I dunno y taxi stand) to head to 'goodness knows where' for dinner... it's an interesting place... It's mindcafe... basically can sit, eat, chit-chat, drink and play board-games! (Hey, Liat Peng should be very fascinated with this place!) We kinda hung ard for like 3 hours there... played like 2 pathetic games... the first was 'Lost Cities'... it took us like 3 tries to actually play the game right (I know... very sad case... 2 teachers dun understand game instructions) the 2nd was 'Blokus'... he played it before so the 2 runs of the game went pretty smooth... Chok Sin: I'm gonna beat you at that some day! Some day... Had to take train back via woodlands... spent like $5 on cab... sheesh... can I claim this??? Ooops... still owe him for dinner... and the various meals before... (erm... I think consider all treat la huh...?) rem ur promise to send me back nxt time....tsk, how can girl send u home...?

Argh... gotta do band exchange... quite exciting... I wonder how the pupils in the other school are going to take to my conducting... after all, I've only conducted my own band and our choir... Oh well... busy day ahead!

Huh?! Blur Land... So full...!!!

Got up not at the usual time this morning... It's the school holidays! but... dang... gotta get to school by 8 for the N level invigilation... That WAS what I really thought... Until... I made my way up to the hall... Argh!!! the paper started?!?!? Only then did I realize 8 was the time of the paper and reporting time was actually 7.30! oops... Sorry PE and CPE... I won't do this again... (I actually thought I arrived in school early and actually bummed in the staffroom for awhile...)

Band Prac in the afternoon was fun... managed to get some work done... Well, one of the pieces I took out for a couple of sight-readings and play-throughs would be used for the short performance for the exchange... Members were over-joyed over trying 'Hidamari no Uta'... simple... but plenty of flats all over to create EEEEK! tuning...

Actually planned to head to my prodigy's home for piano lesson, however, her mum called me and talked about her... I've a feeling maybe I've been putting too much on her... she's quite a perfectionist, that little one, and decided her playing wasn't good enough... and putting off practising... it's sad... well, tht just means I've gotta look for the light scores first! sigh...

Went to Emerald Mansion for dinner with Min, Soh Hong and HER Bernard... (hee hee) it was good... surprisingly 'ulu' stretch at the back of Emerald Plaza... We 'whacked' like 6 plates of sashimi.... and I love the 'oden moriawase'! Some talk over dinner... pple who were in the new WW Comm... shan't leak it out... me and another person were named by our dear 'boss' with regards to being in a comm... however, the other person IS wrong info... and nobody tell me anything so i suppose dun have... which means boss is 'senile'?!?!? at the age of what... like 36?! ok there again, what's new? I'm oreadi feeling myself disintegrate day by day... the amount of info i actually listen to and those that i register is so little! guilty...

Before heading out of my home for dinner, saw an 'airmail' lying on my sofa... It was from Northwestern.... Again?!?! I believe I have a copy of that 'School of Music' brochure somewhere in my room... or at home... received it like 4 months ago? this recent one was dated 18 Aug... They'll be sending me the application this coming fall... whenever 'fall' is... options open, options open...

Sometimes, I wished I knew what you were actually thinking
Sometimes, ignorance is bliss...
Must it happen this way? Is there a way for US?
Is there a 'US'?

Super Poor and rambling...

Just got home a couple of hours ago... oh gosh... was out of my home for more than 12 hours!

I went for choir in the morning... nothing said about the interview...! yeh!!!! I just love all the part-singing I can do in this choir... although sometimes I cring because some pple are too sharp or too flat... or just singing wrongly... but it's really fun and I find it real cool that a church choir can do such things!

Headed for the usual salon to get my hair straightened... ya... i know... some pple call this cosmetic surgery...

Headed for Comex 2005 @ Suntec after that. Met WL there... it wouldn't have been much of a difference going alone, considering we were looking for different things. I was supposed to see if the batt for my laptop was avail. ... unfortunately, there wasn't any... hey! I thought batteries are considered accessories? If mouses and mouse pads are sold, why not batteries??? Anyways, still spent 749 big ones... on... A Camera! It's a Casio Exilim EX - S500... came with several freebies... of which, I'm extremely excited about the 1G sd card, it's supposed long battery life of 200 pics and 1 1/2 hr movie space... So lookin forward to using it! (yucks... this month's credit card bill's going to stink bad...)

Got N Level invigilation in 6 hours!!! followed by, hopefully, a wonderful band practice...

I thought the chapter closed, apparently it still ain't...
I might wait, I might leave...
I might continue trying... though I really shouldn't

Thoughts a random - no more

It's suddenly one of those times... everyone seems to be busy with their life, career, work, anything and I'm kinda like bummin ard... not because I've got nothing to do... hell... I've got plenty of music sitting ard waiting for me to arrange and plenty of work to do! I still have my LRSM piano pieces to pick and prac... I haven't gone for a single piano lesson for a long time! Just don't feel like doing... escapist at work! Such a 'wonderful' teacher I am... huh... and a 'wonderful' example I'm setting. Who cares, nobody sees me in this situation...

I feel fat again... I really shouldn't eat after 8... it must be my down mood making me eat again... sigh...

I was reasonably happy with my band practice with the kids yesterday. Cleared the pieces I expected to clear... in educational terms, it was one of those times I was able to meet my objectives for the 3-hour prac. It was a hard fight to even hold the 3 hours - here's the scoop: the room we keep our instruments in and have been practicing in for the past year or so had to go through some inspection thingy and there were contractors in there doing goodness knows what to the ceiling and all... smoke and stink all around! How on earth were the kids supposed to prac? breathe and die?!? ha... then the leaders and myself thought the panel room or AVA Room could be used - only to realise there are mtgs and apparently choir is using one of the rooms... then we thought of the HALL! The gallery could be used! almost 3 solid hours of prac in tht stuffy place... but at least it was a prac place...

No one could make it for dinner yesterday eve... the usu, tht is Colin (was sick) and Ben (prob still rushin down from RELC) both couldn't make it. Headed for NIE band prac... so many JC kids! was feeling extra until I realized the reason for their appearance... The arrival of Philp Sparke! - I adore 'Fiesta' written by this guy. Most of his pieces are also pretty decent. Although 'Postcards from Singapore' was what he conducted during the one-hour workshop with us was technically very simple and all the more so for my part - 3rd Clrt, I was kinda bored... but hey, it's a decent piece of 3-movemnt work! Good to listen to, but not very interesting to play... I recall enjoying Central Band's performance of this same piece 2 years ago, leaving a deep impression... 'American Elegy' by Frank Ticheli falls under this category of nice to listen but not very interesting to play/prac... performing these pieces is a different manner altogether.

Still thinking whether I should head for choir tmr... don't feel like staying for the interview after that... cuz I haven't been around that long... Only sang for 2 masses and gone for 2 pracs... how would I know if the choir's improved? I'm not even from that church for crying out loud! It's just a chance that I happened to step into that church... and kinda go there now cuz 1) it's near my place 2) I've got a few friends there as a result of the expedition in June.

**I understand you're busy, I find it hard to let go...
I shall try my best to live up to my own promise - to myself...
To not bother you any longer...
Am I a friend, or just a person who's screaming for attention,
I guess I'll never find out
- there'll never be a reply from you...
You'll never know, you won't bother...
no matter what you say, I know I can't expect it...
empty promises - it's all I'll ever know
if finally things do go my way, it's made
I should expect nothing - but I no longer trust myself.

Random Thoughts II

As a continuation to the previous entry,
5) I've always wondered why people want to help people. That warm feeling that I (most of us, I reckon) get when I put my heart and soul into helping people is really something to look forward to when we're helping... However, isn't that just a selfish act? Because we're helping on the basis of our satisfaction? We want to feel good, therefore we do... We're helping because we want to feel that way... is that not selfish in itself? I digress...
6) Have been thinking of trying for Cincinnati College of Music or Northwestern to further my studies... do a masters in wind-band conducting or the likes. Looks like I may really head there not to study... but because I need the refuge... I think it's just plain escapism, but who can stop me? Nothing is holding me back from studying overseas or doing a permanent volunteer in another corner of the Earth (except $$)... Practically speaking, I don't see a need to remain in SG longer than I need to or have to.
7) At least for now, my bond with the govt. still stands. I have no choice. I have till May nxt yr to decide. I have till June 2007 to decide again. Would I have chosen another career path if given a choice to re-live my past? I doubt it... Prob, still end up as a teacher... somewhere...

Random Thoughts

It's only 8 plus and I'm dreading everything that's going on...
Just realized that all my entries so far are soooo negative. This won't be very much different. Here's where I can possibly rationalize a bit with myself, without going to extremities...

1) Still toying with the idea of sending a really long note to a friend to 'clear-up' stuff and to get it out of my system once and for all... (only tried to sleep at 1 am last night... but unfortunately probably didn't fall asleep till close to dawn... all because of you... damn... I should really hate you... but I still don't... excerpts of the supposed letter, prob nvr to be sent will most prob appear in bits over the nxt couple of weeks... months...) I've been toying with the idea for months already!... Look where I've ended up?
2) Some classes are to be pitied... these people do not know what they're doing and just by being stupid, they waste so much possible 'learning time'... poor kids... (they've no idea what they're missing in life)
3) I asked my class to write a reflection in their journal about 2 of 3 issues in the Newspaper about a week ago. So many of them addressed the issue of African children starving... then it really struck me... I would like to do what I did in Vietnam (Dec 2004) and Camodia (June 2005) again! if possible, even on a full time basis!
4) In order to do point 3, I a) need to be strong, b) should have good PR skills - to ask for donations and long term commitment from biznesses and Cos. c) should not have anything tying me down to Singapore d) must be independent - of course unless I find partners having the same passion.

Where is the life?

It's teachers' day. I spent the mornin bummin in front of my TV... watchin an entire season of a sit-com! Now... tht's life! A couple of friends came over to my place in e afternoon. One's getting married, the other's already married... hey... every other person i know has found a significant other... anyways, they were here because i'm gonna have to play for her church engagement mass... the other girl's singing. Finally settled down to marking only some minutes ago...

That aside, yesterday was the celebration in school. There was this 'ACES' thing... supposedly 'All Children Exercising Simultaneously'... it seriously seemed more like 'APES' day... u go figure that one out! After the celebrations were over, a bunch of colleagues and I went to Marche for lunch... It was a pretty big group... not gonna leak out what was discussed... anyways, the usual gang of 'circle of trust' pple minus a few, went for a pool game. It's been such a long time since I played pool!... lost touch already... there after, the 4 of us went for coffee and then headed to the hotel where our dinner was to be held (some time during the little 'outing' we had, one of the guys we were with asked if I was feeling left out amidst all their wedding planning discussion... duh... need to ask? actually, one of the pple u suggested sounded pretty decent... unfortunately u erased the idea even before anything could be done... haha, now tht's a laugh...) Now, dinner was hilarious... though, I did wish I was elsewhere then... nevermind the reasons.

I'm kinda bummed out about the amount of work I can do with my band in 1 1/2 hours... definitely too little... a step at a time...? I dunno how small the step has to be!

I really have no idea what I'm doing or what I'm supposed to be thinking. I'm a walking contradiction, I find. It's nobody's business, it's mine...