Foolishness... to its Xtreme

How silly is this...

I headed for my bed @ 10 just now... hoping to 1) sleep 2) sleep off some misery 3) get away from the world... thanks to the weather, the mood, the DAMNED thoughts... I didn't manage to get to sleep... has my clock really gone to: sleep @ 1++ 2++ am and wake up @ 7 and that's it? ugh... toss, turn, toss, turn... ugh...

I told myself I wouldn't fall again... fall into depression... it's always like that... especially when i know things I'm not happy with... it's no longer a case of laughing it off... or ranting like mad and i'm cool and i forget... or scream, shop, go for coffee and all's well...
No no no... no longer the case... I have no idea why that's so... has my threshold for unhappy things decreased? has my ability to persevere and think positive decreased? sigh... so many qsns... and somehow... i don think i wanna know the answer...

Saw this 'depression hotline' @ the bus-stop near my place just the other day... it totally caught my attention... tag-line was 'do you always feel like crying?' ... or something to that effect... they should just put 'do you always feel like killing yourself?'... it works better... haha

So... I'm supposed to be a Catholic... living a Catholic faith... have all trust in God... and so on and so forth... sometimes I don't even see myself 'spreading the word of God'... considering my billions of actions in school and outside... of cuz there's the occassional... stuff i do that i know are important and have touched lives... other than that, how have I shown it? Zilch... ok i'm incompetent in Bible knowledge... should actually head for RCIA...

but no... i don wanna... I love singing and prob the best way for me to express anything @ all is through singing in church... tht's my prayer... I sing my prayer... I praise God through songs... through playing... I don't like the idea of gathering around a passage from the Bible and pondering its meaning... it's just not my cup of tea... maybe because of my resistence to that i find that i'm constantly fighting a lot of internal demons...

Now I feel like crying...! Really... i think my MD player just died...boo hoo...! it's gonna be so not worth sending it for repairs... yes... i know to some of you it is actually a prehistoric equipmt... but... it's so useful to me...!

and this session of waking up and logging on ain't doing anything good for me... either...

it's gonna be a really really long sleep-less night... insomnia monster @ work again... hope it's not gonna be a bout of insomnia... tht it's just a night or 2... doubt i'll be able to withstand bouts of insomnia in this state...